I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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