Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
