I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
