Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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