hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
