hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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