How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
if i can run in heels then i can drive
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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