meet me or not, i'm out of control
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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