I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
