felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
