Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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