i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
