Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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