Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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