Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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