...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
