ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
