dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
