apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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