Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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