Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she looked like the before picture.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
