Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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