pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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