im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
