the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
