Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
