So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
