Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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