I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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