he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
