I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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