so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
