I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
