Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize