I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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