the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Operation Purity has been aborted
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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