So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
