i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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