i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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