Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
