dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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