i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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