Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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