i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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