Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
