theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
