my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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