I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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