maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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