I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
