life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
