we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
