this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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