Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
