I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
