my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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