I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
