just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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