just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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