i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
