After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
