Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
