I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
