I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
