Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
