Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
