Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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